the diffrence between and attack and a Flare! ( shel's experiences anyways)

So what the hell is interstitial cystitis, a few months ago now I was diagnosed with this stupid chronic illness that has explained a LOT... What it is, is really Painful Bladder Syndrome. The cause.. unknown.
it is a auto-immune illness that causes my bladder to not be capable of being stretchy like most people. it causes pain when it tears that is as painful as labour.. and trust me after two kids I know that agony... the only difference is that I dont get a beautiful bundle of joy from this.
Nope, I get blood in my urine.
I have been wearing pads since this flare started in October.
( I have been bleeding since then)
I cry a lot, I am in a deep depression, and I have to see a shrink because of the emotional impact this has on me.
now, a flare and a attack is very different, I dont know if clinically they are different but for me they are.. a flare is when my belly swells up, and I cant stop peeing, I am thirsty but afraid to have a sip of water because the pain when I pee is so bad it feels like I am pissing out shards of broken glass...
and my bladder never fully empties, so I wake several times at night to pee, I dont get a full nights sleep.
this is my flare.
I have had about 6 I can remember in my life. Here is one I am sure was a flare but it was called a UTI!

when I got pregnant with my first child I had a flare so bad, they had to induce me when he was a preemie they found blood and protein in my urine with my pregnancy test because the blood was so bad in my urine that they were concerned it was my kidney's I didnt feel pain that time, just sever swelling and peeing all the time. When he was born, that flare didnt end like they thought, but then again it was only a UTI they told me.. hmm, I dont think so- My memory serves me correctly that was my first severe flare. it lasted about a year! ( the pregnancy plus 2 months) ( 9 months in total)

Now on to an attack, that's the hell in which I fear, and yet I manage to live through....
on Wednesday I had a severe attack.
the cause, my period.
( usually I know my triggers and my monthly causes the biggest attacks)

My kids and I decided to get Hot Dog buns for supper that evening, I figured we would walk our dog and go to Mac's around the corner.. I felt a stitch in my right side and a dull ache up through my shoulder blade.
it spread as I walked through my belly it always goes right to left across my belly they it is a sharp pain through my belly button, like someone has a voodoo doll set the pin on fire before shoving it into my belly and wiggling it around. I started to crumble, I grabbed my belly with my right arm gave my 8 year old the leash, keep in mind this all took place in a matter of a minute. the pain was at a 10 at least.
I grabbed my belly and almost fell down to the ground.
my 6 year old looked at me with his big green eyes
" Mommy, you OK?"
I tried my best to force a smile but I knew if I opened my mouth I would scream.
I walked home like that hunched over without the buns we intended to get.
I gave my oldest the key and he opened the door let me in told me to lay down and he got himself and his brother something to snack on.
they have both seen my attacks before, they both know that they pass in about an hour and they both know that I cant do much when I cant move.
so I laid down on the couch crying because I know my children were hungry and I couldn't so much as make them a sandwich, and I watched as my 8 year old grabbed a banana for both of them and a glass of milk and they sat down quietly by my side and watched TV rubbing my back, trying to wipe my tears away ....
I laid there writhing in a pain I couldn't contain myself and felt like the worlds biggest failure.

I am a 32 year old woman who couldn't walk her small family to the store to get hot dog bun's for crying out loud!
I live through this pain and I never know when the attacks will happen.
I dont know when that small stitch in my side means a impending attack or if it is gas!
I just know that it happens to me & no one I know personally understands this pain.

I feel completely alone, and then I pray to Jesus, to heal me, and to give me direction- I see my urologist on May 25th where I get a Bladder Scan done, I still dont know what that means but I do have to go in with a full bladder, ( joy that's always fun.)
and he wants to start me on some Clinical Trials if I qualify....
I am gonna try whatever he tells me too.. I just cant live like this any more....

and so you guys know how bad this is I started this blog entry at 10:45 it is 11:10 am now and I peed 4 times and I have to go again!

This is what its ;like to have IC/PBS!
I wouldst wish this on my worst enemy.