I cried just because!

First off I must start with my job, I work at a grocery store. pretty much everywhere on front end from cash/self checkout to customer service.
I have been with Sobey's now for 2 years ( just about)
I love working with the people, I get to work with
( there area  few that this doesn't apply too- but that happens )
I love food, I love offering cooking tips. I love helping people find those exotic ingredients from Wasabi paste to soy burgers. I love knowing that I know the code to a LOT of the produce in the store and that I am fast on the till.
I do love my job.

Yesterday I worked on cash. I felt a bladder spasm when I woke up. but I am stubborn I decided to push through it. the pain was a dull ache in my back... and my urine was not as often.. which is usually a good thing.. but I do have the foresight to know for me that's not good!
but I put on a pantyliner jumped in my car and off to work I went.
I strapped my apron on in the locker room and many of the staff seen me.
" Shelly? you OK? you look really flushed."
I smiled and said " it's just my kidney's" they know I have kidney issues... I usually leave it at that and until I have the attacks.
I jumped on my cash, the woman I replaced explained the new promotion to me. I nodded she asked if i was OK I didn't lie I said " no."

I was in agony after about 10 minutes. I suppressed the tears while that familiar pain stabbed me  in the belly making me nauseated. about an hour later the pain became unbearable. I was in tears barely able to move. I turned out my light turned off my cash and I walked over to the office I told Jenny I was leaving I went upstairs grabbed my purse I was shaking and sobbing but of course by then the lunchroom was full.
I walked out without saying anything.
Linda approached me as I made my way down stairs.
" Are you Ok?"
" no- its my kidney's"
" do you want a drive?" she offered filled with concern..

I said no and I left. I just wanted to sit in my car and cry. actually no I wanted to die. of embarrassment of fear of the horrible pain. I wanted to vanish. I covered my face and I cried.
I cried because this is my stupid life.
I cried because I was feeling sorry for myself.
I cried because of the pain.
I just cried...

It isn't fair that I cant do a single stupid shift at work some day's that some days I have to take narcotics. JUST to get through.
I have a auto immune disease I know, and it is NOT my fault.
it isn't my fault I can NOT make love to my husband.
it isn't my fault I cant sleep a night without urgency. and I cant predict when my pain will jump from an annoying 4 to a 10.

So I took the afternoon yesterday at a clinic to talk to a Doctor who had no clue what IC was. he asked me a lot of questions and then told me I likely have a kidney infection. he wrote my a script for Cipro. explaining the amount of blood in my urine was disturbing. I told him for me it was normal.
( he didn't believe me)
he gave me a note and asked how many days off I wanted I told him just yesterday was fine. because although this flare can last days it probably wont.
he honored that request.

all I want to do is feel sorry for myself right now.. I will fight IC later right now I will cry